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Web Content Writing for Yack.com Summer, 1999 Author's Note: Working on contract for Yack.com in San Francisco, I was asked to write short descriptive content to accompany NFL football schedules. Now, I didn't and still don't know diddly about professional sports. At the desk right next to me, inaccessible through his Walkman headphones, sat a guy with an encyclopedic knowledge of football, all the players and the teams. Yack had him writing about music and film, two subjects I know a lot more about. The editors were well aware of this. True to my pledge that "I can write anything," I plunged ahead flying totally blind. The result has to be some of the finest b.s. ever to hit the web. Apparently the editors were pleased. Next they had me take on baseball. -RSM
Tampa vs. Cleveland Oh to be a part of the Buccaneer Offensive! Talk about your double whammies. Just try and say this aloud: "I'm a buccaneer, and I'm not offensive." Ha! Liar, liar, pants on fire. How could a buccaneer, just a fancy name for pirate, be anything but offensive? These rogues invented the term. Imagine spending your days drinking, womanizing, robbing, plank-walking, sand-in-face kicking, belly-laughing and firing off all the vitriol a man can muster with gunpowder and cannon balls? What a life. Good luck Cleveland.
Tampa vs. Kansas City "Yo ho ho, yo hee hee, it's Kansas City for me!" Here an "Aargh!" there and "Aargh!" everywhere an "Aargh, Aargh!" Yack.com could find no historical reference to real pirates coming into conflict with real Indian chiefs, so the following is purely hypothetical: "Big Chief Moon! White man breed like mice, take Chief Moon to cleaners." "Don't worry, we chiefs invent cheerleaders, distract white man, get ball, win game of life."
Tampa vs. New England The boys from up norw-th are gonna have a wicked good time hammerin' them Flarada play-yas right off the astroturf and into the paaaaarkin' lot. But hey, don't call your bookie. It could go the other way, too. We're just having fun with accents.
Tampa vs. Washington Red Skins? Where did they get that name? It's from the potato, right? I mean, you can hardly fail to be politically correct with a potato as your mascot. Try this: wrap a potato in foil and place it on your engine manifold. Drive to Uganda, remove foil, add your favorite topping, and dig in. Yum! The book of manifold recipes claims food cooks a lot faster than that on an engine, but hey! How many people get to go to Uganda for dinner?
Tampa vs. NY Giants They might be Giants, but the swash-buckling Buccaneers beat them last season. No doubts it's an attitude thing. Have you ever tried buckling your swash? Anybody who can do that with a dagger in their teeth deserves the romanticism pirates have received.
Tampa vs. Philadelphia In other news, Tampa Bay Kicker Peter Elezovic delivered the final blow to an American icon today when his record field goal kick flew far beyond the goal post, impacting the Liberty Bell where it sat on temporary display in Veterans Stadium. The Liberty Bell, which cracked not once, not twice, but three times in its career as a symbol of our great nation, snapped right in half when struck by Elezovic's kick. Eagles fans were outraged and stormed the field, forcing the Buccaneers to beat a hasty retreat on their restored Spanish Galleon. The President phoned to express his condolences for the Bell and to say that, yes, he had once ridden Pirates of the Caribbean but that he didn't condone such silliness.
Tampa vs. Denver The boys from the mile high club might be a little loopy from over-oxygenation as they descend from the mountains to the Gulf to clash swords with the feisty Buccaneers. But then the Tampa gang will be in their usual rum for breakfast, up all night, siesta at noon mode, so all in all it should be an even fight.
Tampa vs. Minnesota Historically speaking, both pirates and vikings would have made mean-ugly neighbors. You would never know if a simple cup of sugar run would turn into a full-blown blood letting. A benign dispute over lawn maintenance might escalate into land seizure and a year in shackles. Here the Buccaneers sail into Venturaland. See what happens when two gangs of brutes from different periods in history get together and bang heads.
Tampa vs. Green Bay The Buccaneers better bring more than lemons to fight off the scurvy Packers and all their Cheesehead fans. Heck, those cheese heads are everywhere! Saw `em in a bar in Missoula a few years back. A frightening sight. They really tore up the place. The poor waitresses couldn't get drinks to the tables. They kept getting whacked by these giant wedges of Limburger that the fans wear on their heads to ward off shrapnel from small engine aircraft knocked out of the sky by the rising stench. It's a good thing the gases given off by Limburger are warm and rise or we would have all been killed.
Tampa vs. Chicago Da Bears, da Bears. So the question here is, who's tougher? Bart the Bear from the movie "The Edge" or John Barrymore from "Treasure Island?" Find out whose killer instincts are more finely tuned as the Buccaneers and the Bears battle for the gold doubloons.
Tampa vs. Detroit Despite similarities between an old clunker car and the dull roar of Detroit's losing Lions, they did beat Tampa in both regular season games last year. Will the Buccaneers be walking their own plank again this year? Get to your seat before the lion roars and the sails unfurl.
Tampa vs. New Orleans Everyone ought to visit N'awlins once a year at least, even if they live off a wage closer to that of the guy who sews up footballs than of the players themselves. A visit to Café du Mond for chicory coffee and beignets would increase anybody's drive to win.
Tampa vs. Atlanta Rock, paper, scissors. Falcon, parrot, goalpost. Run, Forrest, run! Georgia, sweet Georgia, I got Georgia on my mind. (The preceding was a string of secret codes understood only by bookies and kindergartners. These codes are not to be construed as hints of any eventual outcome. Peach. Any resemblance to outcomes living or dead is purely coincidental.
Tampa vs. Seattle Bring your galoshes and your swimming goggles as Tampa trips to America's most moist hipster haven. Chief Seattle, known for his sense of humor, would get a big kick out of football, and an even bigger charge out of his namesake city's civil engineering foibles over the years. Next time you're there, don't miss the tour of Seattle's underground. Once the city's store front street level, ground floor Seattle was long ago buried 12-feet under to rectify horrendous plumbing problems caused by tidal fluctuations.
Tampa vs. Oakland These two teams have got to love partying together. Birds of a feather raid together, and all that. The Raiders insignia is just another Jolly Roger, this time with his helmet on.
Green Bay @ Tampa The notorious Cheeseheads will be descending on Tampa during the final week of the century. In recognition of the British holiday Boxing Day in which last year's toys are given to the poor on the day after Christmas, the Cheeseheads have vowed to box up all of last year's used cheese attire and ship it to Germany. In Deutschland, the concept of style and the word cheesey have long gone hand-in-hand.
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