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Web Content Writing for Yack.com Summer, 1999 Author's Note: Working on contract for Yack.com in San Francisco, I was asked to write short descriptive content to accompany NFL football schedules. Now, I didn't and still don't know diddly about professional sports. At the desk right next to me, inaccessible through his Walkman headphones, sat a guy with an encyclopedic knowledge of football, all the players and the teams. Yack had him writing about music and film, two subjects I know a lot more about. The editors were well aware of this. True to my pledge that "I can write anything," I plunged ahead flying totally blind. The result has to be some of the finest b.s. ever to hit the web. Apparently the editors were pleased. Next they had me take on baseball. -RSM
NOLA vs. Green Bay The Saints and the Packers will play this game on natural grass in the Louisiana Superdome. It's the first time since the introduction of artificial turf that indoor natural grass will be the foundation for NFL players in the Superdome. Watch and see if other indoor stadiums adopt similar natural grass technology.
NOLA vs. Tennessee From their first home game on real grass, the Saints head to Tennessee to again play on fresh grass in the Titans' new, state-of-the-art, 67,000-seat stadium on the East Bank of the Cumberland River. It will be the Titans' second game in their new home.
NOLA vs. Carolina The boys from the land of voodoo take on the black cats of Carolina in this Saints home game. With the aid of two voodoo madams, cosmic voodoo power oils, incense, and gris-gris bags, Saints Head Coach Mike Ditka will cast the pre-game victory spell.
NOLA vs. San Francisco Today's rumble and tumble battle of brawn will be fought to determine whose home town throws better parties. The 49ers will be defending San Francisco's Gay Pride Parade and zany Bay to Breakers Run. The Saints defend Mardi Gras and Jazz Fest.
NOLA vs. Chicago When a young research biologist studying bears was asked what she would do in a kill or be killed confrontation with a bear, she said she would let nature run its course. Hello?! When the same question was asked of Saints Running Back Ricky Williams, Williams assumed his Anthony Hopkins voice as he relied, "KILL THE BEAR!"
NOLA vs. Atlanta The stakes are high with this Saints home game. Somehow, the superrich power brokers who secretly run the world got their fingers into this, placing high stakes wagers with aliens from the aquatic planet Fishmore. The citizens of Fishmore have had their eye on New Orleans for some time. Fox Mulder informed a Yack operative that unless the Saints win this one, the aliens will open the floodgates and turn New Orleans into a city sized aquarium.
NOLA vs. St. Louis Few visitors are aware that once a year, the St. Louis Arch becomes a giant portal through which time travel is possible for just a few short hours. The Rams will be leaping through the portal and back in time to play a special exhibition game against a team of actual, long-deceased Catholic Saints. The odds are in favor of a sweeping victory for St. Louis. But who know? Those Saints weren't canonized for nothing.
St. Louis @ NOLA The Rams made it back from their time-traveling game against the Saints of antiquity and will now take on The Saints at the Superdome. The Rams might do well to seek the blessings of the Church on this and all future games.
NOLA vs. NY Giants The Giants are stomping on the terra as the Saints come marching in and Lordy, Lordy there's going to be a raucous. Come join the NFL party on the grass, where NFL stands for Not For the Light-hearted.
Tennessee @ NOLA Did you ever see the TV rendition of "Clash of the Titans?" The Titans were the big guys, but worse, there were these gigantic scorpions that ate people. It was enough to scare the bejeezus out of any city kid with imagination enough to conjure up such a creature in their bedroom. In this game, the Titans clash with Mike Ditka's boys who, though not of the 8-legged arachnid variety, can still make it sting.
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