|
Web Content Writing for Yack.com Summer, 1999 Author's Note: Working on contract for Yack.com in San Francisco, I was asked to write short descriptive content to accompany NFL football schedules. Now, I didn't and still don't know diddly about professional sports. At the desk right next to me, inaccessible through his Walkman headphones, sat a guy with an encyclopedic knowledge of football, all the players and the teams. Yack had him writing about music and film, two subjects I know a lot more about. The editors were well aware of this. True to my pledge that "I can write anything," I plunged ahead flying totally blind. The result has to be some of the finest b.s. ever to hit the web. Apparently the editors were pleased. Next they had me take on baseball. -RSM
NY Giants The Giants head to Minnesota for some giant-sized fun at the Mall of America. When you're a giant, it's hard to hang out with little people, but the Vikings are a tough breed and more than mean enough to keep from getting squished.
Philadelphia Our forefathers, who art from Philadelphia, hallowed be thy game. Thy end zone come, thy skill be done, on Minnesota as it is in Philly. Give us a break, Big Coach in the Sky. We need some wins this year.
Atlanta The Vikings plundered and ravaged in last year's regular season. But can they conquer last year's Superbowl contenders?
Oakland The film "Raiders of the Lost Arc," for those of you who didn't know, was actually a propaganda film for the Oakland.. er, Los Angeles, er.. Oakland Raiders. The football symbolism in the film is quite obvious to the discerning eye. For instance, there's the scene with the giant rolling ball. And then the arc itself is without question deeply symbolic of humankind's need of answers. You know what was in the arc? The heavenly football, naturally.
Chicago Didn't a Viking's winter wardrobe include the hides of large hairy mammals like, um.. bears? Last season's games between these two gangs of hoary carnivores would seem to play out this theory. Tune in to find out who makes a coat out of whom when the Bears meet the Vikings for a stroll in the park.
Detroit Just stick that in your carburetor and choke it, buddy! I've had a lion's share of your guff! Take out the trash or leave me forever! Motor City Man says, "Oh, we'll take out your trash, you Norse nincompoops." There, that ought to suffice to get them riled up!
San Francisco The 49ers go panning for NFL gold in Minnesota. Will the turn up nuggets or will gold fever blind them to the dangers of the Minnesota wilderness? Either way, it should be a good game between these two strong teams.
Denver The establishment would like to thank the family of John Denver for allowing the use of his name in this sport's franchise. Okay, now that we know where the Broncos got their name, let's pick on the Vikings. According to the National Library of Canada, in 1898 a Minnesota farmer found a stone slab with a message carved in the ancient Scandinavian runic alphabet. Though it was immediately denounced as a forgery, the legend survived in the public imagination. To this day, Minnesota school children deride one another saying, "My Daddy is a descendent of Vikings! Your Daddy's a wuss!"
Dallas The NASA Ames Barbarian Affairs Office publishes a strict set of procedures for defense against Viking raids. The guidelines begin with the question "Are the strangers wearing weapons, helmets, and armor?" Next comes pages and pages of forms to be filled out in triplicate with such instructions as "Forward DARC-820AD and FF-1066AD package to Division Office for signatures." The 40th and final line in NASA's procedures for defense against Viking raids reads, "Take refuge in the hills until the raiders are gone." Dallas, take heed.
San Diego When the Chargers leave Qualcomm Stadium and play an away game, as in this game against the Vikings, are they charged roaming charges on their Qualcomm cell phones? And what's the commercial benefit of Metrodome? Is Metro short for Superman's Metropolis? Could The Daily Planet be reaching out across the borders of fiction to buy up interest in the NFL? Stay tuned for answers to questions you never thought to ask here on Yack.com.
Kansas City Line 1.2 of the NASA Ames Barbarian Affairs Office procedures for defense against Viking raids reads: "Do the strangers lack trade goods or other evidence that they might only be peaceful merchants?" Chiefs take heed. These particular Minnesota blondes do indeed have more fun, and undoubtedly it will be at your expense.
NY Giants Now it's Minnesota's turn to travel. When the Giants traveled to play the Vikings, they had the benefit of the Mall of America. But what in blazes does New York have that could possibly entertain Minnesotans? The Chamber of Commerce better get crackin' on this one! Maybe build an even BIGGER mall! Ha!
 |
