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Web Content Writing for Yack.com Summer, 1999 Author's Note: Working on contract for Yack.com in San Francisco, I was asked to write short descriptive content to accompany NFL football schedules. Now, I didn't and still don't know diddly about professional sports. At the desk right next to me, inaccessible through his Walkman headphones, sat a guy with an encyclopedic knowledge of football, all the players and the teams. Yack had him writing about music and film, two subjects I know a lot more about. The editors were well aware of this. True to my pledge that "I can write anything," I plunged ahead flying totally blind. The result has to be some of the finest b.s. ever to hit the web. Apparently the editors were pleased. Next they had me take on baseball. -RSM
Oakland The Raiders have the Cowboys over for tea and crumpets. Semi-formal attire is suggested.
Denver The historical record is a little unclear on who invented the cowboy hat. Some say it was Agnes Melrose, a rancher's wife from Denver who just couldn't stand the sight of her eccentric husband Marlborough Melrose herding chickens in a derby. Others says it was Miguel Dondalero of Dallas who, unbeknownst even to scholars, discovered oil in Texas decades before the boom. Dondalero found his elfin stocking cap inadequate for sheltering his face from the raining oil and fashioned a hat out of a cow pie for a larger brim.
Washington Can't we all just get along? The Redskins and the Cowboys are still at it a century and a half later and the object of their conflict is now no bigger than a watermelon. God bless America.
Atlanta Falcons are merciless in their pursuit of nesting material this year. The large predator birds swoop down on unsuspecting Cowboys and tear their hats right off their heads. Wildlife biologists have confirmed that when turned upside down and placed atop tall trees, Stetson hats make for excellent aviary perches. Hold onto your hats Dallas. The Falcons are coming.
Philadelphia Viewed as a cultural exchange, the Eagles vs. the Cowboys could look something like this: "Gee Bobby, this Philly cheese steak sub sure is finger licking good." "Hey, Randall, my pleasure. And thank you for the stirrups. Boy, those will come in handy in the shower." "Huh? What are you saying there, Randall?" "Uh, oh nothing. Have another cheese steak."
NY Giants In place of the normal players, Dallas will be introducing a special relief team of James Dean clones to fight this battle. It will be the New York Giants versus 45 Jimmy Dean lookalikes in appropriate cowboy attire from his "Giant" role. Why? Because Yack says so.
New Orleans "Voodoo! Gris Gris! Mojo! Juju! Hoodoo! Wanga!" The preceding was brought to you by the New Orleans French Quarter Sports Voodoo Council, your one-stop source for NFL game outcome alteration voodoo! Oh, don't be frightened, little Cowboys! We'll have you all on pins and needles with excited anticipation!
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