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Web Content Writing for Yack.com Summer, 1999 Author's Note: Working on contract for Yack.com in San Francisco, I was asked to write short descriptive content to accompany NFL football schedules. Now, I didn't and still don't know diddly about professional sports. At the desk right next to me, inaccessible through his Walkman headphones, sat a guy with an encyclopedic knowledge of football, all the players and the teams. Yack had him writing about music and film, two subjects I know a lot more about. The editors were well aware of this. True to my pledge that "I can write anything," I plunged ahead flying totally blind. The result has to be some of the finest b.s. ever to hit the web. Apparently the editors were pleased. Next they had me take on baseball. -RSM
AZ vs. Denver Broncos Guard Mark Schlereth has undergone more surgeries than a golf course has holes. Recent speculation out of Roswell, NM, has it that Schlereth is in fact being mined for precious tackling stones, a new composite mineral which, if found in sufficient quantities, could be scientifically replicated. Such a breakthrough could change the face of football forever. Both defense and offense would become walls of human iron-men, utterly indestructible. Surgery would be a thing of the past. Schlereth is to be commended for his dedication to the betterment of the sport. AZ vs. Tennessee Did you ever see the TV rendition of "Clash of the Titans?" The Titans were the big guys, but worse, there were these gigantic scorpions that ate people. The image was enough to scare the bejeezus out of any city kid who'd never set foot in the desert before. Well, now is Arizona's chance to say, "Watch out you little girlymen Titans! You're on our turf now, sisters." Tune in as the Tennessee Titans tip-toe through the scorpion-infested Arizona turf. AZ vs. Seattle In nature, a battle between these two teams' winged namesakes would be quick and deadly. But this isn't nature. This is America. The cardinal, being a big guy in the Catholic hierarchy, would declare the sea hawk a false god worshipped by heathen, feather-wearing types, and would have the bird stuffed and mounted before you could say Michael Jackson half time show. In last year's game against Arizona, nature shined on Seattle. Perhaps man and nature can peacefully coexist. AZ vs. Oakland Oakland. The local homies call it Oak Town. The artists call it Nirvana-in-vitro since Jerry Brown came to town. And everybody loves the Raiders. But this game is in Arizona, where homies are dudes, artists are blue-hairs, and, thanks to the John Birch Society, time never changes. AZ vs. Philly This team named for America's favorite raptor couldn't get out of bed early enough last year and lost twice to its much smaller, but apparently hungrier winged cousin. But big birds with better coaches can work wonders. AZ vs. Miami If fish could tackle and lizards wore cleats, it would be a very different world indeed. Tune in as Cardinal Battle rushes for his life amidst an onslaught of pantheistic porpoises. There's a new sheriff in town, and it ain't Big Ed. AZ vs. SF If going to San Francisco entails wearing a flower in your hair, just what is the dress protocol for a football team traveling to Arizona? Saguaro cactus quills? If the 49ers are the good, God-fearing folks they profess to be, they won't want to miss the latest in a string of Virgin of Guadalupe manifestations while visiting the Grand Canyon State. The Virgin's most recent feat of celestial tagging comes in the form of a rust pattern on an old water heater in a backyard in Douglas. James Hull didn't call this area the edge of the world for no reason. AZ vs. Dallas Okay, so the Cardinals are named after a little red bird or perhaps a Catholic man in a dress. And Cowboys are big tough guys who rustle and wrestle and punch horses for sport. But don't be fooled, sports fans! In Arizona, it's still legal to carry a six-shooter on your hip, and man, there ain't nothing meaner than a pistol-packing Catholic with wings. Look for a Cardinal comeback in this year regular season games. AZ vs. NY Giants You name it, there's an old wives tale to fit it. There's the one about how the Earth was once populated by giants who stomped around making life a living hell for our foreshortened forefathers. It's also been said that birds are the distant relatives of dinosaurs. Combining these two premises, what we've got here is a battle between two historically large and nasty critters. Enjoy. AZ vs. Washington The red birds meet the red skins in this predictably sanguine bloodletting between two teams who played close games last year, with Arizona coming out ahead. Speaking of things red, remember that old joke "What's black and white and read all over?" A newspaper, you say? Get with the times! The answer is: a PC with a monochrome monitor! AZ vs. New England What if the British had been wearing solid black contact lenses back on that fateful day in 1775 when Colonel Prescott told his boys not to shoot 'til they saw the whites of their eyes? Not only would the Patriot soldiers not have fired, they would have run for their lives from what would have appeared to be an army of black-eyed devils! Well, the only devils the Patriots stand to encounter in Arizona are of the dust variety. AZ vs. NY Jets Did Elton John know what he was starting when he penned the 70's anthem "Bennie and the Jets?" Had he any idea the effect Bennie, aka Benito Mussolini, would have on the New York Jets? And are the Cardinals any match for a team inspired by such profound music? To Arizonans, the name Mussolini brings to mind campy spaghetti westerns, not the kind of world domination fervor the Jets are frothing to back in the Big Apple. God save the queen. AZ vs. Detroit Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Well, the Lions roared at Arizona last year, but the little red bird still took the prize. So this year the Lions grabbed former Cardinal J.B. Brown and are now grilling him for insider secrets. AZ vs. Buffalo Are there any buffalo in Buffalo? There are in South Dakota. As near as they came to being totally wiped out in the old west, you would think they'd be revered and respected. Well, they are being enjoyed. Buffalo burgers are sizzling on the grill as we speak off Route 90 just east of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. A cardinal wouldn't make much good eatins, but buffalo! Mmmm-mmm! Get on line and find out who's cookin' and who's eatin' this season. AZ vs. Atlanta Not only is a falcon a bad-ass bird and several steps up the evolutionary ladder from the cardinal, these Falcons sunk their talons in last year for one heck of a winning season. Arizona will have to call upon all its desert survival skills to put a dent in Atlanta. AZ vs. Green Bay If the master football computer doesn't crash and the pig skin still knows its coordinates, this could be a good day for everyone in and out of football. That's if. It could, however, be a very weird day for the Cardinals if all doesn't go well for our computerized civilization. Instead of Green Bay, they could find themselves abducted by aliens and returned fifty years hence to the tiny Arizona border town of Bisbee, where an entire population of former abductees live in tranquil thorazine bliss. Close Encounters touch football tonight in Grassy Park. Wear your jerseys. No pants necessary.
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