July 12, 2002 (PM) It occurred to me this late afternoon whilst 9/10th's submerged in the forest, the sun setting behind the mountain to the west and me setting, settling, letting all muscle tension dissipate into the calm water, feeling like Martin Sheen all green and Saigon-freaked eye-level in the water, a blue-eyed killer crocodile treading water to boom-twang tempo and rising tension of Jim Morrison's "This is the end!" and yes this is the end of this painfully long sentence…it occurred to me that despite a rather prolific streak here in the forest i have said little about my environs. First, let me allay your angst regarding the last margarita and my horrid ice-less jungle problem. Out of sheer desperation i fixed the propane refrigerator and not 24 hours after the last margarita, i had if not ice, cold beer!! In a scene right out of every contemporary film shot in the rainforest i have been slashing and burning for days. At one point i had a burn pile taller than me and about twice as long as tall. I could have roasted a buffalo whole on the next morning's bed of coals. …where am i? OH Yes, CODEINEVILLE… I have a great idea. From now on let's all answer on another's cell phone when bill collectors call! I just had a lengthy and heated titlating exchange with one "Tiffany" of something-something Commerce Bank, speaking on my cousin's behalf as his "attorney." Oh boy! Was that ever fun! There's something cathartic and nicely distanced about handling someone else's creditors rather than one's own. On one's own, one feels that inescapable twang of guilt bred in us from very earliest childhood for being bad. But when the creditors are barking at someone else's name – wow! It's like magic. I highly reccomend it (if only i knew how to spell reccommmend). Try it with a friend or relative today. And then of course let them take on your bill collectors! Good clean American fun! You get to say things (as i did) like "I'm his ATTORNEY! Be careful what you say young lady, your every word is being recorded and I will slap an injunction on you PERSONALLY should i sense any hint of verbal abuse harassment," or the ever-popular "Tiffany, what is YOUR home phone number? I'd like to have the liberty of calling you up later this evening & handling you at home!" I learned that one from my good friend and fellow hammerhead Julian Stock, the man who taught me (or rather chided me) in a New Orleans bar that drinking beer was a waste of money and a dull buzz. True. OK, so answer a friend's creditor call today and tell the robot on the other end of the line that you are JESUS and the day of thrashing the money-lending sinners is nigh, and furthermore, that your client cannot pay his "balance" because he's too busy making the payments on your yacht. OK. So, toothaches suck but codeine is a pretty nice trade-off. I was just outside in my tool belt & Fear & Loathing the movie t-shirt twirling like an 8-year-old, arms out, head high and eyes on the aspen leaves shimmering in the afternoon breeze listening to Perfect Circle's "Judith" roar between my earphoned ears and smiling isolating the bass line in my brain and twirling, dancing to the audience of so many trees and raising my hands high and triumphant for dear Maria Paz. Bravo, Paz, bravo. Click here to see image of actual letter as received in actual mail! And the next day...the screenplay!... Write Me! ©2003 Rick McKinney ALL RIGHTS RESERVED