June 10, 2002

Rough but beautiful weekend up here in the trees. On account of my buddy F. quitting the restaurant, the waiter job went out the window. So I pulled out my Stihl chainsaw with the 24-inch penis extension.. er, I mean, blade, dusted it off, sharpened the chain and away we went. A man and his saw alone in the forest! It was pure oil & sawdust poetry, folks. Logged four trees, dropped and chopped in eight hours. And there's plenty more where those came from what with Idyllwild being in a Stage II drought and every tenth or so tree drying up and dyin'. God I love wielding a chainsaw. After a truly emasculating month-long nightmare under Duke's hood, it's good to feel like a man again.

So I gave my sore muscles a rest today and watched that movie "Shallow Hal." Very weird film. I'll never look at Gwyneth Paltrow quite the same. My beloved Gwyneth! How could you?? Anyway, it freaked me out when all of a sudden in this one country drive scene the camera pans right past this century old barn I helped clear out when I was a kid at Grotonwood summer camp in Groton, Massachusetts. Small world gets smaller all the time.

Then the oddest thing shows up in my email mailbox today. What do you know but a letter to me from my car! It's a first, that's for sure. This should show all you people who didn't believe me when I said Duke has a soul. Naa-naaaaaa!
ooh, Duke, you're soooo BIG!

Here's Duke's letter to me and my response. The car pictured above is one of Duke's "girls."

Hey you!

Been having the best time down here in Houston. The chicks won't leave me alone! They just keep flocking to me! Can't keep them away. Every night - different ones. These hot, sultry summer nights - so romantic... It's a good thing you're gone. You wouldn't want to see this. I'm making quite a spectacle of myself. Okay, so I guess I was a bit of a spectacle before...
But this is getting embarrassing, so many women, so little time! There is so little time now, right? You are coming back for me someday, soon, right? Not that I'm missing you, of course. Oh no, way too much fun down here - way below sea level - sweating. I was just wondering.
All's well.
P.S. Be sure to check out the picture of the babe from last night.

Dear Duke,

Well, dang doodle whoopi whoop whoop! It's about time one of us was getting some! You go, Dukester. Man, you sound like David Crow, all them Houston women fightin' over ya. I guess yer heart transplant took okay. I mean, if I'd a dropped a wrench down in yer firing chambers or something, there, why we'd know it by now, eh? You'd plum up and throw a rod with all the action yer getting. And that's a mighty fine looking woman-car you sent me a picture of. Going fer the fair complected girlies, huh? Gonna work up to the big busty gnarly chaotic ones with a coat like yours, huh? Good thinkin. Well now there dear old Duke, your mechanical slave (that's me) here has gotta get back to swingin a chainsaw to pay your debts and support your heavy drinking habit so's we can get you down the road again this summer. Bye now. Get some tranny for me! –Rick

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