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October 24/25, 2002  [written on a "turnoff" of the I-10] M... (a short time later..) [the next day..] Me, me, me. Sorry. You sounded good on the phone today and I hope you
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October 24/25, 2002 [written on a "turnoff" of the I-10] M... (a short time later..) [the next day..] Me, me, me. Sorry. You sounded good on the phone today and I hope you
r u online? i need your help. i need to talk. i can't recall when i
last felt this emotionally unstable. when Cricket didn't show up in
FL, her stated reason being that she couldn't involve her heart any
deeper w/someone emotionally unavailable, i thought i took it quite
well. but yesterday i drove so, so far, pushing myself past any safe
measure, half-asleep at the wheel and agitated the whole time,
terrified, i thought, that Cricket wouldn't have me, wouldn't love me.
i cried myself to sleep last night in some shit hotel, and i've been
crying behind the wheel all morning. i''m not even sure that if
Cricket did love me/want me, that i am mentally "there" enough (just
what she needs to hear!). i am, in a word: terrified. i feel lost and
half-out-of-my-mind. i would call you, but i have a tendency to veil
how hurt or upset i am when speaking. not only that, i await a phone
call from Cricket to tell me where we stand. i sit here at a rest stop
near winnie, tx,, and although yesterday i was barreling "homeward" at
80mph, i am suddenly reluctant to go on. i called her over two hours
ago, asked if she had read my email, she said no she hadn't. when i
asked her to please do so, and call me back, she said she couldn't,
that she had a therapy appnt. & had to go, but that she would call me
in two hours.
So here i sit...
she just called. my fears are all realized. i guess i am more
intuitive than i give myself credit for. i speak, of course, of my
inexplicable crying all morning. in my email to her last night, i
offerred her my heart, all of it, wide open. it would be my birthday
gift to her, i said. all she could say just now was that the offer
made her scared, worried, confused,etc. what is a man to do, M? what
are any of us to do? thank you for listening. i was going to ask you
to call your psychiatrist and ask for the best psych hospital in
houston, and that i would go there. my crying was so insane. but now
i feel okay, in a very dead sort of way. just like,.. dead.
emotionally dead. but don't worry. i'm not gonna off myself. just
emotionally wrecked and wrung out. in a few days i'll be 36, and i
have no idea where i live, where i'm going, not even where to drive to
now. i think i'll call Stefan and ask him if i can go visit my little
Matilda and perhaps spend the night at his beachhouse. love, rick
M..
I just tested my palm pilot for reception out here on the gulf, and to
my surprise, it worked. I got a message from my cousin, but I think I
nadvertently also sent you that message from yesterday, which
apparently went into some subfolder awaiting the next successful
transmission. Anyway, there you have it. I'm a fuckin looney. I hope
you'll still come out Sunday for a mellow bday afternoon dinner. I
have to admit that i am rather depressed right now, as Stefan will
likely attest that I mostly just kept to myself while he was here. I
promise to snap out of it come sunday, to drink a lot of jolt cola or
go for a morning swim or something to shock myself alive again. It's
so nice of Stefan to let me stay here and.. well, heal this rather
large wound to my upper abdomen.
are indeed doing well. I have no idea what to expect from this World
Art Car Day, but I'm glad I'll be here to take part. Perhaps I can
help someone build something or decorate a car.
Best, rick
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